r/AmItheAsshole • u/Frosty-Conclusion-63 • 7h ago
AITAH For finally refusing our 5 year old to co-sleep?
Background: Me (33) and Newly Married wife (34) and I have a 5 year old son (my step) and 6 month old son. We have been married for 2 years, of which the son had been co-sleeping with her for years prior. He is absolutely attached to her at the hip. The kid screams in the middle of night, kicks, bucks, whines to be held all night. As the new baby came, I convinced her (rough) to put a kids bed in our room to start transitioning him out of our bed, knowing how tough this would be with a newborn. This has been a huge point of contention. She was even looking into purchasing a bigger main bed to accommodate the boy.
Fast forward a year- the son wakes up screaming for his mom anywhere between 10p -3am, waking us all up, demanding to be held and wakes baby up (bedside bassinet). He screams "no, stop huddling him, hug me". This is nightly. Mom is amazing and breastfeeds a few times a night with a 5 year old climbing all over her. She is completely touched out, and yes, this affects our relationship.
The other night was the final straw. Same pattern. He comes into our bed after screaming and waking us up at 11pm (wow, we got 30 minutes alone). I allow him to fall asleep and carry him back to his bed, twice. Mom gets livid that I might wake him up. I said he doesn't belong in his bed, it's too early, and we ALL need our sleep. She responds with "no, you aren't moving him again, you don't belong in this bed". I remove my self for the night and later tell his that this is not right, we are all suffering from not putting in the effort and getting the 5 year old to his own room. This will not continue. He is out. This is the largest fight we've had indicating that this is hill she is willing to die on. To me this shows weird attachment issues by her and somehow by me stating the obvious solution is a grave crime against her son. I'm just solving a problem of getting sleep, not being touched out.
TLDR: Putting foot down for 5 year old being incredible disruptive co-sleeping and its a grave crime against wife. AITAH?
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u/Needmoresnakes Partassipant [4] 7h ago
Was this discussed pre-marriage at all? What is your relationship with your step son like in general? Did you have talks with him about the new baby coming and what that might mean?
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u/Frosty-Conclusion-63 7h ago
This was not discussed fully, other than I was working on getting him to independent sleep before baby. We have a great relationship, but I know that I'm seen as the disciplinarian. I've played a large part in getting his behavior on track from previously having zero structure.
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u/discordian_floof Partassipant [3] 6h ago
Did you not have any discussions on how to raise a child before getting pregnant? You knew she wasn't strict with her child, and chose to have a baby with her without agreeing on parenting?
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u/ACERVIDAE 6h ago
Yeah knocking her up while she has a child she cosleeps with and zero boundaries must have been a feat.
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u/dehydratedrain Certified Proctologist [28] 5h ago
She was looking for someone to be her next baby daddy, he was looking to be a hero and fix her first mistake.
This is why people should figure out how others parent before making it a team effort.
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u/nowhere_sane 1h ago
You knew she wasn't strict with her child, and chose to have a baby with her without agreeing on parenting?
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u/Riscaver 5h ago
A stepfather drawing a hard line in the sand without prior alignment from the mom or a strong existing bond with the stepson, is only going to trigger her protective instincts.
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u/loveinnoise 6h ago
Those answers would clarify whether this is a bedtime issue or broader family conflict.
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u/Needmoresnakes Partassipant [4] 6h ago •
Ok so someone else suggested OP sleep in the other bed for a bit so he's more rested and he said:
Why the hell would I leave my bed in my own house?
And 3 months ago he was in the marriage advice sub whining about no sex then made a comment about "wanting respect and warmth" being non negotiables so I've decided he's an AH regardless of whether the mum is handling the older kid's needs appropriately.
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u/vetimator 5h ago edited 5h ago •
I agree about deciding he's an AH regardless. I'm getting a strong "I'm going to strongarm this situation/this child
for the end goal of wife not being touched-out anymore so I can finally have sex againbecause it'll be good for all of us in the household" vibe from all this.And earlier than the 3 months ago post he made a post about "pregnant GF increasingly disrespectful"
OP you're honestly a scary person. The way you talk about respect and the way you've said you've talked to her, especially in the pregnant GF post, is intensely concerning. The contempt is palpable. If I knew your wife I'd be begging her to escape from you to a shelter.
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u/aido_3927 48m ago
Oh yeah, that post history is very eye opening. The talk about respect and having the audacity to checks notes, eat what she wants in front of him while pregnant is insanely controlling behaviour. I hope OP's wife sees this thread and learns she probably needs to work out an exit strategy.
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u/Awkward_Un1corn Asshole Enthusiast [6] 5h ago
Regardless of the fact OP might be a shitty person, the Mom is doing her child a massive disservice.
Regardless of your opinion on co-sleeping, a 5-year-old needs uninterrupted sleep and they won't get that with a newborn in the room. Also, at 5 he needs to be able to sleep alone. He is at an age where learning autonomy is jmpor.
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u/msjammies73 4h ago
This just isn’t supported by any data. Maybe the 5 year old gets the best sleep if he bedshares with mom all night. And maybe that works for mom too.
Mom should get the 5 year old checked for things that can cause sleep issues (iron deficiency, sleep apnea, ADHD). But kids sleeping with parents is pretty normal where I live and the kids seem just fine.
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u/vetimator 4h ago edited 2h ago
Okay cool. It sounds like Mom has already chosen her path with her kid and OP isn't going to be able to change that. Even if he were able to, I don't trust him to do it without causing major harm due to his shittiness.
He's already on here being glib and only replying to people in his corner. He was asking someone what they meant by the 5 year old possibly being Mom's shield against intimacy, and I can see OP using that against her as a weapon instead of going "If she feels the need to shield from me, that's all the answer I need. This is not working for me. I'm out."
I can see him continuing to try and strongarm her and the situation. It may be best for all parties if he divorces and seeks a regular sex partner he does not impregnate this time. If he can find one with his behavior and way he thinks about things.
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u/Smooth-Schedule-3685 5h ago •
this is what I was concerned about, this is just another way to complain he isnt getting any, not actual care for his family 😒
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u/clrthrn Partassipant [1] 4h ago
I also read OPs post history and I have experienced "jealousy" from my partner after our baby was born. He was almost lining up with the kids for attention and couldn't understand how I could not just let a baby cry when he wanted attention yet I could ignore him when the baby needed me. Add to that a 5yr old who has had nothing but change since he was born and this whole situation becomes clear.
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u/unimpressedwarrior 2h ago
That poor baby knows he’s not wanted in the house. He wakes up screaming for his mom because he’s scared of being abandoned. God, I hope she wakes up and protects her son.
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u/Major_Lawfulness6122 3h ago
This is why when the seeds were planted I threw away the envelope.
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u/Background_Dig_8408
Partassipant [1]
6h ago
•
As a mom who coslept and kept my son in our bed until far too late, and then my daughter (until 10) this will ruin your marriage. There are plenty of men who don’t mind cosleeping and get some ridiculously large bed to accommodate. You, and my ex husband are not these men. I prioritized my attachment (admittedly it was my attachment and fear of my son being sad) over my marriage. My ex also went to the couch or spare bed and every year the distance grew. There was no time to connect. We stopped watching movies together in bed, we stopped our evening talks, intimacy was non existent. I resented him for all of the things I was missing, I was lonely but couldn’t see or own that. In the end, I ended the marriage and blamed it on all the things he was doing “wrong”. But what went wrong was we stopped prioritizing our relationship. By then he had stopped trying as well.
And our son was ours. You’re going to resent this child, already your words reflect a little of that, because he’s not your child. Your marriage has to be the solid foundation to build everything else. My children are the product of divorce because I didn’t prioritize my marriage. I thought I was prioritizing them, I did it wrong.
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u/loveinnoise 6h ago
Prioritizing the marriage matters, but predicting inevitable resentment toward the child feels too certain.
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u/Background_Dig_8408 Partassipant [1] 6h ago
I hope I’m wrong. Based on his own words “the 5 year old, he is out, a 5 year old, the son” while recognizing and praising mom’s breastfeeding of their child OP is already in a “me or him” position. Resentment may not be inevitable but I might question whether or not it’s already there, obviously not something we can know based solely on a Reddit post. But I do hope I’m wrong.
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u/Top_Introduction4701 46m ago
Kids still sleep in our bed pretty often even after a decade. Bedtime is for sleeping, if I want alone time with my spouse it’s easy enough to sneak off between dinner and bed - just tell them you’re gonna go shower/get ready for bed and lock the door. I enjoy spending time with my kids, especially as they grow older and more apart from us I appreciate they still occasionally want some level of closeness. I think a big issue here forOP is it’s a step child. That adds in all kinds of complications from all 3 people. I would not want someone else’s kid in bed with me.
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u/Malice_A4thot Partassipant [4] 6h ago
This was hard to read. Thank you for your honesty. I hope you’re in a good place now.
Do you mind sharing if your kids had attachment issues as they grew up?
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u/Puzzleheaded-Ad4657
7h ago
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NTA, but this should have been dealt with before the baby came. It’s typical for kids, especially younger ones to regress and want/need more attention once a new baby comes. Not only is the 5-year old having to cope with a new baby, a new bedtime rule is suddenly being imposed. I had 3 kids in 3 years and at one point they all slept in our room, because sometimes you just need sleep and don’t want to fight. I promise you he will leave your bed in the near future.
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6h ago
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u/GiggleDwarf 5h ago
It actually sounds like OP sucks [link](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/4z7CNgDFMi) and I hope his wife ditches him and enjoys cosleeping with her two babies. OPs stepson is probably waking screaming due to OP if I had to guess as it sounds like it wasn’t an issue before
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u/Dear_External5263 5h ago •
Idk, it’s possible she just likes sleeping with her kid. I have a 5 year old (he’s been in his own room since before he was 2) and I love snuggling him. If his dad is out of town he sleeps in our bed. I know this won’t last forever so I’m savouring the time we have together now. If I wasn’t married I’d let him sleep in my bed if he wanted.
That being said I also have a 1 year old and my 5 year old still wakes up once or twice a week and needs some snuggles (usually from dad) to be put back to bed.
It’s also not that unusual, for most of human history people co-slept. They didn’t have big houses with individual rooms, this is a fairly new concept in terms of the entirety of human history.
That doesn’t make him spoiled, it just means that mom and her new husband have different views on parenting and they should have been discussed beforehand.
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u/lil_sass-a-frass 4h ago
Yeah I’m a single mom to a 5yo. He has his own room and bed but if he has a bad dream or just wants to sleep in my bed that night I’ll never say no. They’re not young for long and I want to treasure this time while I have it.
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u/NebulaBreadcrumbs 2h ago
exactly. the 5 yo is dealing with major jealousy and regression from the new baby. so cutting co sleeping cold turkey right now feels like a punishment. it definitely should have been handled way before the baby got here but he won’t be in yo bed forever
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u/Azure_Firmware 2h ago
right Ops wife is completely overwhelmed and touched out but pushing him out suddenly when he’s already competing with a newborn for attention is triggering his freak outs you guys need a unified routine but cut yourselves some slack ts it temporary
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u/molly_menace
Partassipant [1]
6h ago
•
I’ll let others comment on the rest of the situation. I just wanted to say that any mother with a 6 month old breastfeeding baby is touched out. She may not have a libido for the first year. It’s completely normal. I don’t want you to be attributing that to the five year old.
Please don’t be expecting sex from her. She needs your support right now.
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u/TurtleZenn 4h ago •
Apparently he was complaining about not getting enough sex while she was pregnant, and that she was being "disrespectful." OP is not a good partner and does not care.
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u/GollumTrees Asshole Aficionado [15] 18m ago
I read this and went to his post history and wow... trying to control what she ate while pregnant... then getting mad she didn't want sex 4 months after giving birth. He sounds like a nightmare to live with. Wife no interest in intimacy 4mo PP : r/marriageadvice
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u/Smooth-Schedule-3685 6h ago
honestly, you seem to care a lot that your wife is "touched out" when you should look at the total situation. That boy has only had his mom, you are newer, and have brought an EVEN NEWER addition to his little life, so of course he's being difficult, he's having a difficult time. Are you upset you dont have private time? Because that's also the case if you only had the newborn. He will need to transition to his own bed, and maybe that should've been done before having another baby, but now you do have a baby, and you should just wait and have some patience with your family. He'll sleep in his own bed soon enough, listen to what kind of hell your wife is asking for.
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u/seahorseonland 4h ago
Yeah and suddenly picking him up one frustrating night and dumping him in his bed is so not the way to deal with this situation. It needs to be discussed with him, he needs to be prepared for it in advance not just picked up because you've had enough.
If, as a couple, you don't know how to transition him healthily to solo sleeping then you need to get professional guidance because these angry reactions of just getting sporadically frustrated and removing him and arguing are going to hurt the kid most importantly and it's going to create more issues in your relationship.
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u/chinchivitiz
6h ago
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Sorry but YTA.
What were you doing having a relationship with a single mother with toddler kids when youre not ready to give way to a child who is alao expeeiencing a lot of losses.
Loss of the kid’s father., you a new person / stranger whos suddenly inthe picture, losing his mom to a new baby. Losing his mom to you. This boy is crying at night because he needs attention, attention that he foresees will be gone very soon.
This should have been discussed before you had a baby.
5 years old being weaned of cosleeping with mom could have been easy if the kid is in a normal family dynamic. Its easier because the kid knows when he wakes up, parents will be there, and that mom and dad loves each other. But based on your post you see him as an inconvenience instead of a child whos experiencing loss.
Imagine you are him. All of a sudden theres a new man in the house, he feels will feel like an outsider now that mom has a new baby wirh new person. Pushing hin ti sleep somwehere will mKe him think you took mom away from him.
Please be a little bit more patient with him. Make him feel like he is your real son and pacify him when he is sad. He needs to understand and feel you are not building a new family without him but you are an additional person who will love hin and keep him safe.
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u/Sufficient_Song3387 Partassipant [3] 6h ago
How many years is he supposed to yield to the child's wants? It's been 2... his entire marriage. Does the kids get 3 more years? 5?
I mean, in a year, the younger child might want to sleep in the bed also, so he can't go then. It might too hard. If they have another child, that may be too hard. He can't leave the bed if she pregnant, or if she has another newborn. What if he starts losing his baby teeth? He can't handle that trauma from his own bed.
This kid is already over-pacified. We are supposed to be RAISING our children, not keeping them babies. They need to develop independence and move forward, steadily. That is not happening. My lord.
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u/iwasntmeoverthere 4h ago
This is a copy paste from a comment I made to someone else in this post:
Look into OP's post history. He called her girlfriend 1 year ago and bought the ring 8 months ago. In addition, he was upset that she wasn't putting out 2 months postpartum.
He seems very self aggrandizing, self centered, unprepared, controlling, condescending, and like an asshole in general.
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u/Teleporting-Cat Asshole Aficionado [18] 3h ago •
I wanted to cry for that woman reading OPs post history. Micromanagaging her food intake while pregnant. Demanding sex immediately postpartum. Talking about "warmth and respect," like they're something he's owed. He doesn't see her, or their kids, as whole, individual people- he sees them as things that aren't functioning properly.
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u/bodhibirdy 3h ago edited 3h ago
I feel so bad for his wife. She's doing a great job prioritising not traumatizing her children. I'm 34 and I still vividly remember the night I was rejected from my mom & dad's bed. Call that an attachment issue if you will. I never maintained strong attachments to either of them. I've moved out of the country and we all barely speak. They divorced anyway! Lol!
My son is 3, I'll never reject him if he wants to come in. (Usually after midnight) His dad sleeps on the couch or swaps into his bed. He knows it's temporary, and we'll tackle getting him to sleep through the night in his own bed together when we notice he's ready for it and it's a good time (not adjusting to starting nursery or any other big changes for example)
I honestly believe most sleep training is done during the daytime when you can discuss what's happening with the child, reassurance that when they wake up in the night needing comfort that they're safe in their bed and their room, and to ask them questions etc. for them to share their experience, insights into what's going on in their head, help them process things and make a plan together. 5 year olds certainly old enough to do that.
Poor little guy sounds like he's got a lot going on, I hope he gets to talk about it at some point. I know parental exhaustion is real, of course, having experienced it. They've the benefit of his age on their side. He can express himself! I feel like some adults underestimate and ignore their kids' inner worlds so much.
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u/chinchivitiz 5h ago edited 5h ago •
“Entire marriage” thats over reaction. Youll be surprised how fast kids grow up. But obviosly this kid has a different situation. If it were a normal marriage, with the parents as his original parents, teaching the child independence would be easier, but this is a different case.
So what do you want to do then? Just put the kid in another room and done? Because he is “over pacified”. The child is too young to understand. OP needs to make extra effort and find a way to make the child feel he belongs.
This is what you get when you marry a single parent. Its never easy. 2 years is a short time. When the kid was only 3 years old, he didnt have the emotional capability to understand and now that he’s 5, this is when these emotions starts to come and you think the right thing to do is just dump him in another room because its unfair to an adult who has every freedom to decide whether he wants a life with a woman with a child even if its hard, and decided to do so? Vs a child who have no choice but to be in the situation he didnt create.
A child always has to come first for the mom before you entertain any man in your life. Not her husband’s convenience or rheir marriage.
How is attending to a distressed child with emotional problems “babying”.
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u/ShotFloor1981 5h ago
You are right he has been pacified for a long time. It would be very traumatic to change his entire life abruptly. I think things can be eased into.
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u/Sufficient_Song3387 Partassipant [3] 5h ago edited 4h ago
What are you talking about? He has his own bed in their room. None of this is sudden. He has been trying for sometime. The wife just gives in.
The kid does not just sleep in the bed. He wakes up during the night, wakes her up and wants attention. He is kicking them to get his way throughout the night. No one is getting enough sleep. This is, especially, bad for the child to not get adequate sleep. He is also waking up the baby.
The solution to over-pacifying someone is not to do more of the same. He, currently, gets whatever he wants. That method is not working.
At some point, the only word has to be no. Millions of kids sleep in their own beds. He isn't more special, important than any other child. He is certainly not more delicate... he clearly has a major presence. Sometimes kids just want their way. Enough already.
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u/Sufficient_Song3387
Partassipant [3]
7h ago
•
NTA. Ask her if she wants to be married. If she says yes, then it is no kids in your bed. You cannot have a marriage where she defers to a 5yo.
Children do not disintegrate when they have to sleep in their own beds or are told no. This situation with his behavior overall needs to be addressed now. She cannot keep giving in to him because it's easier. It's detrimental to him and his development. Go talk to a therapist together about what is best for him and how to do it.
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u/Frosty-Conclusion-63 7h ago
Agreed and exactly my thoughts. She's already said this is the hill she'd end this on. In the past I've been Trying to be sensitive to the "thought" of someone else saying the attachment needs to end.
Sleeping like this is bad for all, including his development.
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u/Dear_External5263 5h ago •
It’s quite normal in other cultures for dad to sleep in a separate space. Co-sleeping, which can mean room sharing, was the norm for most of human history.
I have a degree in psychology focusing on child development and currently doing my masters in psych. Co-sleeping is not at all bad for development.
What you have is a fundamental disagreement on parenting.
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u/Sufficient_Song3387 Partassipant [3] 3h ago
"Not bad at all for development" is a very broad statement and incorrect. Not all co-sleeping is bad, but it is not all good either.
In this child's case, it is not harmless. He is not developing as he should. Intentionally waking up mom and the baby by screaming is not helping anyone. No one is getting adequate sleep.
He is not learning the slightest bit of independence. Next year, he will be in first grade and cannot handle being a few feet from mom or anyone else touching her. None of this is healthy and continuing to let him be constantly attached to her is not allowing him to develop to the level of his peers.
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u/notgonnalieman 3h ago •
That’s seems like so normal for a kid who just had a baby sibling. It’s so normal there are books about it and resources in our country to help combat the older sibling’s jealousy and acting out.
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u/bring-the-sunshine 5h ago
I mean that’s your answer. You’re wondering if it’s fair for you to try to kick the kid out, and sure, I understand why. But she doesn’t see it that way and has told you very clearly that this is a dealbreaker for her. To be fair, I’d have been out the door long ago, but this story doesn’t have a happy ending unless you stop pursuing the issue. She’s told you that point blank. Imagine how their relationship will be his whole life…are you sure you want to sign up for that? Both kids are young and you shouldn’t wait to walk if this is your hill to die on. Divorce is hard for kids to process and it gets harder the older they are when it happens. At least your 6mo would have half a normal childhood if you split custody. It’s also hard for me to imagine being with someone who is zero compromise on something that affects the home dynamic so much. What other stop signs will she throw up when something is important to you in the future?
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u/antizana Asshole Aficionado [13] 1h ago
Your other posts about your wife are absolutely disgusting. Whining about “respect” (and you are so contemptuous how you talk about her). You’re badgering a freshly postpartum mom about sex constantly, and now you’ve decided to pit a fight to try and force her to choose between her son and you.
I hope she chooses her son. You are far too selfish.
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u/I-Am-Yew 5h ago
So you’re both deferring to the kid. She is bowing to him and you are bowing to her bowing to him.
Your marriage and sleep health is being run over by a night tantrum of a 5 year old.
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u/CherryblockRedWine 4h ago
Is this is the hill she would end this on, why did you get married, u/Frosty-Conclusion-63?
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u/D3lacrush 7h ago
This is the kind of thing why my wife and i, and all our married friends with kids recommend against co-sleeping
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u/NorthernNomadAK 7h ago
Seriously. I can't imagine any benefit for a relationship. The time I valued the most when having newborns, and now small children, is being able to have our time alone after everyone is asleep. Even if alone time is just reading and snoring
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u/Cudi_buddy 5h ago
Yep. There are a couple parents we know that still cosleep at 2.5-3. I could not imagine sleeping so poorly and having no space of my own for so long. My first has slept independently and through the night since one. That was a choice my wife and I made and have no regrets.
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u/LazySignificance556
7h ago
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NTA*, however this makes me wonder if the 5 year old has a diagnosis or has something going on that is undiagnosed. Seems like you two talking to a professional would be a good idea about the situation.
While you are trying to solve your problems she may have very different values around these things.
Time to get some important communication going and figure this out together or this isn’t gonna work.
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u/neighbourhoodtea Partassipant [2] 3h ago •
A child acting like a child and reflecting how it’s been raised does not mean it has a diagnosis omg
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u/DreamStater
6h ago
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No one in this family has anything wrong with them mentally. It is just a rough phase of life. The adults are tired and the 5 year old has an inconvenient sleep routine and the newborn is just being a newborn. 5 years from now this will be a distant memory you laugh about together, but right now it is time to make some changes so everyone gets more rest.
You have two choices: 1. You can sleep train the 5 year old, or 2. You can figure out a way to get better sleep, preserve the family peace and push the sleep training down the tracks a bit.
I vote for 2. for now. Sleep training a 5 year old works better when both parents are on board and have the energy for it. That is not you two right now. Right now, your wife seems willing to keep things as they are. Your 5 year old definitely wants to keep things as they are. The baby just wants to be a baby.
So you need to stop making things harder than they need to be during this stressful infant stage. Just set up a comfortable place to sleep at night for yourself and don't get involved in the mom-kid-baby night-time dance. Tell your wife you hear her, she needs things status quo for now, that it's hard for you and you wish it were different but you support her with what she needs during these challenging infant months. That you're sleeping in the other room but available if she needs you. That you love her and that you'll laugh together about this in a few years.
YWBTA if you keep hassling your exhausted wife. Now is the not the time. Revisit sleep training the 5 year old several months from now, when things have settled down a bit and everyone has had some rest.
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u/Frosty-Conclusion-63 6h ago
Will bring resentment on her end. 2. Will likely bring on mine.
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u/bodhibirdy 4h ago
Re: The latter - You knowingly signed up for a lifetime. Surely you can survive 6-8 months.
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u/DreamStater 6h ago
Why would letting your wife have what she wants - the 5 year old in the bed - cause her to resent you?
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u/Frosty-Conclusion-63 6h ago
I’m not good with this. Because no one can sleep. Including her. And baby. More exhausting. More touched out.
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u/GiggleDwarf 5h ago
It seems like you’re the only one with an issue with it. Sleep in another room for awhile (without being grumpy about it) and you’ll be rested and she’ll have the sleeping arrangement she prefers.
You seem like you hope fixing this will lead to more sex and I doubt it will, at least not willingly
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u/Teleporting-Cat Asshole Aficionado [18] 3h ago •
Honestly, if she is that touched out and you keep pestering her for sex, I can see why she'd rather have the 5 year old in bed with her. Keeps her safe from the sex pest making demands.
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u/SleepyDeluxe Asshole Enthusiast [7] 7h ago
The mistake was letting this continue once she was pregnant. He is going to be insecure and jealous now, so breaking the cosleep arrangement is going to be an issue.
Is there a reason your wife wants him in your bed? Could this be a shield? Or is this just her babying him? Did she have a bad breakup with the ex, is there the potential that she's holding on to him because she feels bad about it?
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u/Sufficient_Song3387 Partassipant [3] 6h ago
The mistake was getting married before he slept in his own bed.
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u/dehydratedrain Certified Proctologist [28] 5h ago
I don't know... I feel like knocking up a woman who is incapable of sleeping without a 4 yr old was an equally big mistake.
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u/Frosty-Conclusion-63 7h ago
Bad breakup. And constant litigation trying to get more custody from the other side.
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u/nolovelost2020 6h ago
Perfectly reasonable for her to be protective of her child. As a mother myself I recommend approaching her from a place of grace that she is going through a lot, with custody issues and postpartum. Work with her to come up with a solution, preferably a sticker chart with a tangible reward when he fills it up. She will love you even more for honoring her feelings of protection over her son and want to make changes even more. But you are currently poking a mama bear who needs reassurance and not threats.
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u/corgi_moose_
5h ago
•
Yta you sound like a monster step dad to have, wishing your wife and step son peace while they have to deal with you throwing a tantrum and a brand new baby
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u/Frosty-Conclusion-63 5h ago
lol.
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u/iwasntmeoverthere 4h ago •
You're a liar and YTA. This is a copy paste from a comment I made to someone else in this post:
Look into OP's post history. He called her girlfriend 1 year ago and bought the ring 8 months ago. In addition, he was upset that she wasn't putting out 2 months postpartum.
He seems very self aggrandizing, self centered, unprepared, controlling, condescending, and like an asshole in general.
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u/seahorseonland 4h ago •
Gross. Makes sense why he felt the need to mention that she's touched out and it's affecting their relationship. Sounds like that might be the reason he's picking up the kid in the middle of the night and putting him in his room while he's emotionally distressed. He's frustrated because he's not getting laid when his wife is still not long post partum. Poor kids.
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u/iwasntmeoverthere 3h ago •
OP has bigger issues than not getting laid or sleeping peacefully, he's on the road to domestic abuse, if the emotional abuse hasn't started already. It is obvious to me that the wife is not good at picking decent men. They sound like they deserve each other, but the kids certainly deserve better.
As a mom and DV survivor (I didn't have good taste in men until I went to therapy), this relationship and whole dynamic is shit-tacular and will do more harm than good the longer that it continues. All of those highly upvoted comments are just a part of an echo chamber that can't or won't see the signs of contempt in a 2 month old (at most) marriage and family of four.
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u/bobarawrs
7h ago
•
No one is TA / slightly YTA. I think you should go to couples therapy since you’re not on the same page and not communicating well.
I have 3 kids, 6 4 and 2 who are all really attached to me and “fight” over me all the time. Your 5yo is going through a massive change in his life. His behavior given a new baby is so normal and you need to have some grace as the parent. I think it’s a far stretch to call it attachment issues. It’s normal behavior also from your wife.
Your wife is likely overwhelmed with new baby and balancing the 5yo; and (rightly) prioritizing their needs over yours. Where I think you are slightly TA is that you’re coming at this from a very self centric POV.
Anyway highly recommend couples therapy. It’s helped me and my husband a ton in communication and getting on the same page.
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u/wanderessinside
5h ago
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So YOU don't want to sleep alone but a 5 yo in a stressful situation should. Got it.
Yes YATAH
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u/Jerko_23 3h ago
Difference is, one of them is meant to be sleeping in that huge bed with his wife, and the other should have been building his own independence for years now. Have a nightmare? Alright, go to your parents they tell you its fine and put you back to sleep. Having a guest every night i horrible for the parents, and the kid being unable to sleep by himself is really bad for him too. Is he going to be excluded from all birthdays/ sleepovers/ summer camps because he cant sleep by his own lonesome? It is a horrible disservice to the kid.
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u/Els-09 Asshole Aficionado [19] 7h ago
NTA. Since you two can’t get on the same page and it’s hurting your relationship, it might be helpful to talk to a therapist together so that an impartial third party can offer insight and help make a plan for transitioning him to his own bedroom.
If your wife refuses to consider this idea, then you have other problems.
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u/TyranethElofin 6h ago
Carrying him back to his own bed twice while she's breastfeeding a newborn and getting climbed on all night, then calling her attachment issues a "grave crime" in the same post, is going to get you more replies than you expect. The bigger issue is that you're framing a 5-year-old's nightly distress as a sleep logistics problem, and that's the part I'd want you to think about.
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u/EhDub13
Partassipant [3]
4h ago
edited 4h ago
•
Sounds like you chose to marry a woman with a child and thought she would just change her whole life and dynamic with her child(ren)....for you. Youre irritated the 5 needs attention now and you "got 10 minutes alone, wow" BOY are you gonna be disappointed going forward cause that baby is gonna need even more attention. Wild to me how men think theyre still Central to a woman's life after kids. You are now another planet revolving around the children You chose to be a parent
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u/EchoTruth
6h ago
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You don't belong in this bed.
You really need to hear anything else?
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u/Connect-Onion4511 5h ago edited 5h ago
I have 3 kids. All of them co slept. I started out as a single parent so when I married my husband (when my son was 5) he was ok with it. We had a child together and then there were two kids in the bed. My eldest slept with us until he was 9. My second son slept with me until he was 8. My youngest, a girl, only slept with me/us until she was 5. All of them grew up to be successful professionals in the sciences.
I knew other families that also chose to co sleep with their kids. They got a huge mattress to place on the floor. Their kids also grew up to be fine. I do remember my friend’s husband complaining once in a while about getting kicked by thrashing kids.
My kids always had their own rooms with beds if they wanted to sleep alone. They didn’t usually want to. They also would go to best friend’s house for sleep overs sometimes. Or their friends would come have a sleep over at our place. In those cases the kids would sleep in their own rooms or make a fort to sleep in the living room, etc.
I am almost 70 now. Looking back, I cherish the time I spent with my kids and I loved co sleeping with them. In many cultures of the world, families co sleep with their kids. Placing babies in a crib in a separate room seems weird to me. Our species would not have survived had we not co slept when we were still living in caves!
Being a step dad is challenging. Having a new baby is challenging. My first husband and I eventually divorced. One of the reasons was due to how he treated my eldest son. Keep that in mind.
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u/ingadinga1124 4h ago
Yes, YTA. You never ask a mother to choose between anyone and their child. The child will win every time.
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u/Helloreddit0703
3h ago
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What is wrong with you? You’re centering yourself and your needs while having a six month old, and your wife is postpartum, breastfeeding, and is physically and emotionally drained.
This is the time to be prioritizing your wife and whatever works for her sleeping habits. She’s far more touched out and physically exhausted than you.
You claim you want to prioritize your marriage, but you’re too thick headed to see that that means supporting whatever she needs to survive during this time. She’s in the trenches. You’re not.
Instead of supporting her, you’re giving her more stress and acting like a whiny third child she needs to tend to.
If you are able to man up and be the supportive partner she needs right now, you just might find that the intimacy will improve later, when you don’t have an infant. However, if you continue to be a force of contention and destroy the little peace she has, it’s going to be very difficult for her to respect you ever again or want to have intimacy with you.
You have a baby; stop acting like a baby.
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u/Aggravating_Taps
3h ago
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I’m going to get downvoted to high hell for this, but YTA. He is five. What is wrong with you? He is going through a lot of upheaval with the new parent and the new baby. Give him time and attention and you will get your bed back eventually.
Also, weren’t you whining like a child recently about your post-partum wife not putting out? You are the problem here.
I look forward to the inevitable update saying you’re now separated.
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u/FitSprinkles6307 Partassipant [1] 4h ago
You knew this and still got into a relationship, married and had a child with her.
If she didn’t start transitioning him when you got into a relationship, what made you think continuing the relationship and marriage and another child would change that?
If anything, it will be both kids in the bed.
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u/Whole-Neighborhood Partassipant [2] 1h ago
YTA.
After seeing your post history I can't stop feeling sorry for your wife.
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u/Delicious_Wish8712 Pooperintendant [59] 5h ago
Info: has your stepson been assessed for night terrors? Has he seen a sleep specialist?
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u/ApprehensiveLook1983 7h ago
Sounds like a baby shield. You should sleep separately and let her join you. No babies in your bed, she comes to you. If she doesn’t you have a different conversation.
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u/Frosty-Conclusion-63 7h ago
I've gone to the guest room many times. She won't follow.
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u/GiggleDwarf 5h ago
Because she has a 6 month old she nurses through the night! Absurd to think she’d do anything except sleep or breastfeed at night
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u/Frosty-Conclusion-63 7h ago
Can you explain this concept/ shield more?
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u/Helloreddit0703 3h ago •
You’re single-handedly destroying your own marriage. My goodness, what a privilege it must be for you to have the energy and capacity to even want intimacy right now. Your wife is literally using her body to keep an infant alive and still has to go about her day and night caring for two children.
No shit she doesn’t follow you into the guest room. She’s sleeping and breastfeeding around the clock. Which is what she’s supposed to be doing.
And here you are, on Reddit, clearly not exhausted, clearly not sleeping, clearly not breastfeeding, clearly not washing bottles or doing laundry or dishes; rather, here you are on Reddit, wanting to learn more about some made up red pill “child shield” term.
Quite frankly, you don’t deserve to have a wife. Having a wife takes effort, work, and selflessness. You’re demonstrating none of that.
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u/Guilty_Scallion_6402 6h ago
Am I the only person catching that the baby is already 6 months old?? Jealousy should have already been addressed with a 5yoa. Throw that kid in his own room. Frickin watch Supernanny or something. You've had months to deal with this crap and you're just now making a stand??! FFS!
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u/Cudi_buddy 5h ago
Agree. My 2 year old had a rough month when our second came home. 6 months?! What are we doing here? The 5 year old is running the house.
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u/Ms_Shmalex
3h ago
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YTA its clear that you don't want "the son" to interfere with your sex life. It seems like you should get your own bed in a different room because the only one upset is you. In fact, you are the thing causing her and the little boy distress. He is child dealing with his mom making a new family with a man who is literally trying to take his place. You are the one who joined their family. The least you can do is listen to and respect her, if you actually want to help and not just yourself. Its telling that you have no complaints about "your" baby causing a disruption but that her son and her comforting him is. All kids regress when they get a a new sibling. What they need is love and reassurance, not an eviction notice.
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u/dirt__girl 3h ago
Your wife is post-partum-- is now the time to start getting on her about separating her son from her st night? Maybe it's worth working collaboratively and giving patience, considering her hormones are probably all over the place.
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u/hjgrow 6h ago
Nta but it's definitely time to seek some family therapy. Both individual and as a family unit. Right now I'd hold off on changes until you can get a therapist involved in the timing and technique to help smooth the transition. It is past time for him to be sleeping on his own. I hope you share this thread with ypur wife and you can all move forward.
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u/Trekunderthemoon
Partassipant [2]
4h ago
•
To be clear you met, married and shared a bed with her all while knowing her child slept in the bed with her and now that you have your own kid with her you want to kick her child out of the bed? She’s emotionally crippling the kid she already has so you think “yep that’s the one for me, her parentings great I’ll marry and make a baby with her” and your now shocked that she’s continuing to parent the way she always has? You’re bed sharing with another man’s kid? How will you feel if your relationship implodes and she, her elder kid and your kid are bed sharing with the next guy? Honestly this situation is so messed up and you’ve added a baby to it. She needs therapy and so does her son, this has to change but the way you’re going about it is damaging her elder child further. His mum is his safe place and you’re literally removing him from it and inserting another child.
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u/RattsInBoots 3h ago
It doesn’t sound like you like your step son very much. How much time and effort do you put in making a connection with him? Spend time playing in his room with his toys with him. Take him out to the park and do things just the two of you. He’s your kid now too. Stop acting like it’s all on her, she’s recovering with post partum and trying to manage relationships in the house.
Co sleeping is normal and healthy. Many families do just get bigger beds.
YTA.
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u/loveinnoise 6h ago
NAH, based only on the limited information available. Wanting a five-year-old to sleep independently isn't inherently unreasonable, but refusing abruptly may be difficult for the child. A consistent, gradual transition would be fairer than turning bedtime into a conflict.
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u/ChocolateandLipstick 6h ago
NTA but this should have been done before and you’ll need to put extra work to keep the baby safe as he may direct his anger at the baby.
However the problem is mom. If this doesn’t change, you’ll end up sleep on the couch forever. One of my friends wife co-sleeps with their kids and the kid is almost 8. There is no room for him. He sleeps on the couch.
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u/ChampionshipBetter91 6h ago
Co-sleeping is flat-out f*cking bizarre. My opinion.
Watching TV with parents, siblings and pets in parents' bed? Check! But once it was bedtime, we were well and truly shut out.
Even when I was a very young child and would have a bad dream, I would try to crawl into bed with them. One parent might get up and walk me back to bed, but I was usually told, "Everything's fine, get back in your bed."
Cold? Yes. Cruel? No. It made me respect boundaries.
My brother and SIL are usually completely out to lunch, but when they had children, they had a little bassinet that attached to the side of the bed. As the baby grew, they then moved him into a crib that was eventually moved into another room. My point? Their children NEVER shared their bed, so it was NEVER a battle.
Your entire family needs to see a therapist, because I would divirce over this. Your current situation is INSANE.
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u/Mellifluous-Squirrel Partassipant [2] 5h ago
Tell me you've never experienced an ND kid without telling me you've never experienced an ND kid 😶
I will get downvoted to hell for this and I don't care.
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u/fourfiftyoneam 4h ago
Being neurodivergent isn’t an excuse for shit. The kid is FIVE, presumably at school? And as for the wife… honestly
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u/Mellifluous-Squirrel Partassipant [2] 4h ago
It's not about making excuses, it's about working with the child that you've got.
Babies are not blank canvases. They are born with personalities and traits and genetic wiring and all the rest of it. You can parent by the textbook all you want, but the textbook has been written for averages. If your kid is on the edge if the bell curve, applying strategies for the middle simply doesn't work, no matter how much you think it ought to.
Our son had one of those little bassinets, and no matter what we tried (which was just short of everything), he would not and could not go to sleep in it. My husband was adamantly against co-sleeping. That was the preserve of crunchy granola parents who were soft on boundaries. Well, how the mighty have fallen. We're now nearing 5 years of sleep deprivation, all with the same child.
Reality bites.
And before someone accuses me of not loving my son - he is the most beautiful, precious, sparky, intelligent child I have ever come across. Age 3.5, he was fluent in his times tables. Age 4.5, he's reading stories to the other kids in his class.
He's ND, as are we, we don't love him any the less for it, and the shit sleep is still really, really hard 🫠
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u/BlueRubyWindow Partassipant [3] 7h ago •
FYI, this is a difficult time to try to transition him to his own bed. He is likely already dealing with jealousy with the new baby and will naturally have an increased need for attention and reassurance and babying. This is typical with the first kid getting a younger sibling.
Doing this now could increase resentment of the new baby as well. “I don’t get to sleep with mom anymore because of the new baby.”
I agree the transition would be good but just sharing the timing of this is going to make it very difficult.