r/AmItheAsshole • u/No-Association7374 • 6h ago
AITA told my date he has chapped lips
I (F, 37) went on 3 dates with a very nice guy (M, 45) that I was attracted by. On the 2nd date, we kissed & I was taken aback by how chapped his lips were. It felt like kissing a turtle, but the rest of the date was very enjoyable.
On date 3 I gifted him my favorite organic chapstick as a present. On date 4 he showed up again with very chapped lips, this time there was unsightly white skin hanging from his lips. He also had white hair growing out of his ears. After that, I sent him a message about how much I enjoyed his presence and our conversation and anyhow I'd like to kiss him again but that he has some personal grooming to take care of. I shared that his lips are chapped and that he has hair growing out of his ears, and that I'd like it if he can take care of it.
After that, he stopped talking to me. AITA for giving him honest feedback?
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u/Savings_Designer_330
6h ago
edited 4h ago
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I think the ear hair comment should have been saved for when you’re more comfortable with each other.
But for the chapped lips, it would have been better if you told him in person, especially because you visually saw that his lips were physically chapped and peeling. You couldve offered him your chapstick right then and there and said “oh your lips look a little chapped, here, use this”. And then maybe made a joke of it right after and go in for a kiss. Action+result would stick in his mind to keep using chapstick so you can kiss.
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u/zynnate 6h ago
Action + result haha like training a dog 😂
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u/ErectionMyAffection 5h ago •
You'd be surprised how many social interactions can be treated exactly like training a dog
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u/pygmypuff42 Partassipant [2] 2h ago
I used to watch SuperNanny clips on facebook, I started using the techniques on my partner. Worked shockingly well 😂😂
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u/Ok-Jackfruit2407 1h ago
Care to share the tips😂 is like to see if my dad is trainable at his old age
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u/Stunning_Box8782 Partassipant [1] 14m ago
but do you want your dating interactions to be like training a dog?
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u/ErectionMyAffection 5m ago
True but even the best people can need basic communication like training a dog, for example, when my boyfriend doesn't do bad things, I give him extra good attention, and when he does bad things, I say no extra stuff because he was being mean or rude, he picked up to not be mean to me, it's honestly an oversimplification to say training a dog, but a further explanation would probably be reward good behavior and take away that reward when bad behavior is present, and tell them why, so they know they dont get constant special treatment or are allowed to be cruel without "punishment". Now for rewards he likes when I rub his scalp and hold him in my lap, if I didnt indulge in that then he would get the message. For children and pets, you must be more objective, such as ice cream or some sort of treat for good behavior or if they've been neutral for a while. Honestly, its easier to do something like training a dog imo than to let someone do whatever they want to you or else you being upset tends to come across as very negative, because people dont consider just being present a reward for good behavior, you need to find something they like and give it to them everytime they're good or else that doesn't really work, its unfortunately transactional as well but thats how it works to be social, you may not like to do what they want, but relationships can be part compromise. I apologize for this long comment, I simply wanted to explain my viewpoint on the matter.
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u/Riscaver 5h ago
Fr handing him chapstick in the moment with a playful wink works wonders, while texting him a list of physical defects at four dates is a lil brutal
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u/CookieScholar Partassipant [1] 2h ago
Not physical defects, personal care issues. Big difference. And once you reach adulthood without the ability to look in the mirror, a bit of brutal feedback is warranted. Especially since OP did try subtlety first.
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u/SmolDickGoodHeart 11m ago
As a guy with dry lips, she was not a "lil brutal." That shit bothers me, I'm sure it bothers who I'm kissing.
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u/h0lymaccar0ni 3h ago
We might be very differently wired here but it would give me the biggest ick to hand someone MY chapstick if they have severely chapped lips. This would go right into the trash afterwards.
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u/GeologistKind7108 3h ago
Well op does say she gifted it to him so I don’t think she was expecting it back that would be totally 🤮especially on those chapped lips 😆
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u/h0lymaccar0ni 2h ago
Then I misinterpreted your comment, my bad. I thought you were referring to her own chapstick which would be yucky
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u/cyanpineapple 1h ago
Personally I've never seen the issue of sharing lip balm with a person you're kissing. She was kissing his chapped lips with her lips, so why should one more layer be any worse?
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u/h0lymaccar0ni 1h ago
I mean don’t get me started on that, I couldn’t do that either but that’s probably me. Luckily my partner feels the same so we both take care of that.
But my problem with the chapstick would be that flakes of skin from the chapped lips or - even worse - maybe if the cracks get deep and the lip is bleeding slightly and residue from that would be on the chapstick marinating there for hours until it is used again. Maybe I’m phobic of something here but that thought makes me physically sick 🤢
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u/Stunning_Box8782 Partassipant [1] 13m ago
yeah none of that is any cause of concern.
You're breathing in flakes of skin literally all day long.
And bacteria don't "marinate" outside of a body, they just die
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u/youvelookedbetter 41m ago edited 37m ago
Just because you're kissing someone, it doesn't mean you need to share everything with them. I've been with folks who made arguments for sharing razors and toothbrushes too, but a lot of people don't want to do that, right?
I'm totally OK with offering my lip chap to a partner I've known for a bit, but not someone I just started dating and has insightly lips with skin hanging off of it. We're still strangers.
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u/craigiest 15m ago
It doesn’t mean you need to, just that it’s absurd to draw a line at an object touching both party’s lips when the lips themselves touch each other. Razors can transmit bloodborne pathogens that touching and kissing can’t, so that’s different.
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u/ntermation 5h ago
Just wondering, is the ear hair thing a common complaint? Do I need to worry that I'm not keeping my ears hairless enough?
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u/ErectionMyAffection 5h ago
Not really unless your hair is sticking out your ears like crazy, imagine seeing a dude with crazy nose hair, its like that in terms of what people consider unsightly, not overly bad but general consensus is to trim if it gets that long
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u/Round_Square_3420 5h ago
Yeah you probably do need to trim ear and nose hair more often. Use two mirrors to see it, and get a special electric trimmer.
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u/ComedyOfTheDragons 1h ago
I apparently have this too, and I only found out after moving to a new place with better bathroom lighting.
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u/mel0n_m0nster Partassipant [4] 4h ago
Nah, it's a weird AF comment to make, especially to someone you've only seen three times
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u/Ok_Marionberry8779 4h ago
Lmao they were dating by date #4 you gotta be talking about stuff like this. She could have ghosted him and said nothing (which would have been her right) but she decided to say something and maybe see if he wanted to make changes to keep dating.
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u/mel0n_m0nster Partassipant [4] 3h ago
Chapped lips? Sure, that's a matter of personal care and directly affect their romantic life. Gotta talk about that, I fully agree.
But ear hair? Nah, that's weird.
OPs communication skills also clearly need some work, because she didn't actually talk about it with him. Instead of actually talking to the person she's on a date with him, she sent him a message. It's no surprise he stopped talking to her, that's just terrible communication on her part.
She could have ghosted him and said nothing (which would have been her right)
Her right? Maybe, but it'd make her a shit person.
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u/Krytosen 1h ago
Bringing up ear hair on date four is way too invasive for a new relationship, and handling the lip issue over text made it feel like a cold performance review rather than helpful feedback
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u/Angryleghairs 10m ago
Depends if the ear hair swoops down and strokes her face whilst they're kissing
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u/Pendejabarrilete 6h ago edited 6h ago
Nta good riddance it wasnt made to be. If you feel gross around him on the first dates, its downhill from there. The chemistry wont develop
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u/Azure_Firmware 2h ago
couldn’t agree more. chemistry does not magically appear when you feel like you’re kissing a turtle. you tried being nice by gifting him chapstick first so giving honest feedback before calling it quits was complete reasonable
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u/What_a_plep 1h ago
The guy only had chapped lips and a bit of ear hair, good riddance and gross seems a bit steep when everything else was good.
Hope you find the person of your dreams.
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u/Unable-Initial6456 59m ago
If that's how he presents his lips and ears to the world, I can only imagine what you would have encountered as the relationship progressed.
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u/IAMA_Shark__AMA Partassipant [1] 1h ago
Bro literally had skin hanging off of his lips. The only context in which that would not be disgusting is if he's using chemo cream.
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u/gootsteen 51m ago
As someone with chronically chapped lips no balm or cream has ever fixed mine 🥲 I’m doomed to be disgusting but I’ve tried to fix it many a times with no result.
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5h ago
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u/MagixTurtle Partassipant [4] 5h ago
Atleast the apes rid him of his earhair.
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u/juliewbb Asshole Enthusiast [5] 6h ago
NAH. It was fine to be honest as long as you were kind, but also very understandable that it was a turn off and hurtful to him.
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u/No-Association7374 6h ago
I agree it's hurtful, but I made sure to emphasize that I liked him and liked kissing him too...
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u/thoughtandprayer 6h ago
Sure, but there's a high chance he feels awkward or hurt regardless. There isn't an easy way to point out poor grooming without that person feeling uncomfortable.
Or he doesn't want to change, and knows dating you won't work because you won't tolerate his poor grooming. This seems less likely than simple awkwardness/hurt feelings but it's a possibility.
Either way, you did the guy a favour! Other women would find him less attractive because of his chapped lips. It is really NOT appealing to kiss. Now he has a better chance of clicking with someone in the future.
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u/nostalgeek81 4h ago
I don’t think he cares that you like him 😅 I would also have stopped talking to you. I did the same thing with a date who told me that he preferred if I didn’t have gray hair. I’m in my 40s and don’t always want to dye my hair. While I understand that it’s a grooming thing for some people, I also realized that his preferences would have put pressure on me to be a certain way or he would have liked me less. That’s not a relationship I want to be in tbh. The chapped lips is one thing, because it physically affects you, but the ear hair is really none of your business tbf. It’s a take it or leave it situation for me.
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u/EGrass 3h ago
Greying hair isn’t a hygiene issue tho
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u/Professional_Ad_5529 11m ago
Definitely something that’s harder to point out given both of your ages as well…
I’m not sure I would focus on the physical aspect of near 50 yo men!
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5h ago
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u/tinkerbellabay 5h ago
I understand chapped lips, you could’ve told him that nicely. However ear hair? I’m trying to imagine this as I’ve never met someone with ear hair. But imagine if a guy told you to get rid of some hair on your body/face that you have or that they’d like to see you take care of it , you might also take it the wrong way. I think it’s totally fine to bring these things up to a boyfriend or girlfriend but not to someone on a 4th date. Idk, we all have our own opinions on these things. I wouldn’t say you’re an A-hole but I think timing and wording could’ve changed the outcome. I will say NTA.
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u/Wolfina77771 5h ago
Pft, I say waiting till the 4th date to mention it is waaay too long. I would've mentioned things the third time. First could be unknowingly, second could be forgetful, but the third time means there's it's a continuous bad habit, 4th time is waaaaaay too long for it be acceptable. Sorry people have standards?🤨
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u/tinkerbellabay 4h ago
That’s completely fine! Like I said we all have opinions on these things! Some might think it’s rude and some may not. But clearly it offended him since he stopped talking to her. Also, I mentioned that the way she worded it was part of the problem. :) but I also said she’s not an A-hole for speaking up on something that bothered her.
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u/Wolfina77771 4h ago
I'm pretty sure she only paraphrased in the post tho. I think I saw OP reply to a comment that she worded it a lot nicer in the actual text. I honestly feel like if it's offensive to you to be critized, you shouldn't be trying to date because your not mentally ready or prepared to change how you act or present yourself.
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u/Wolfina77771 3h ago
Everyone disliking this comment are the ones that need to become more open minded. No one likes stubborn assholes and you will never have a happy and healthy relationship.
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u/stilettopanda 1h ago
Ear hair discussion is the thing that should have waited. That’s nothing to do with hygiene and she should be girlfriend level to point it out.
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u/I_am_legend-ary Certified Proctologist [22] 6h ago
YTA
The lips thing is kind of acceptable, you could have pointed it out in a different way or been more casual about it, but ultimately it does impact you
The bit of ear hair makes you an AH, if your so insecure that a bit of ear hair is enough to put you off somebody then you really need to get a grip
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u/mrb1585357890 6h ago
Someone’s got to tell him though, right? Lady did him a favour for future dating.
She sounds like she did it with kindness in mind
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u/dirtylilscot 3h ago
OP: “And that id like it if he could take care of it”
You: “she sounds like she did it with kindness in mind”
What part of that exudes kindness? Imagine a man telling a woman to clean up her body hair? You’d lose your mind.
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u/Flashy-Preparation18 3h ago edited 35m ago •
Women grow up hearing that constantly from men and we’re expected to just deal with it so…
Edit: to those of you suggesting that I’ve said it’s okay to do this, can you learn how to read? I was commenting on the “imagine if people did this to women” part bc we don’t have to imagine. Did i say it was okay anywhere? Man its the whole pancakes and waffles thing again lmao, just hallucinating shit i didnt even say
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u/gootsteen 49m ago
Yeah and we don’t like it much either. The solution isn’t doing this to more people.
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u/Stunning_Box8782 Partassipant [1] 9m ago
Women grow up hearing that constantly from men and we’re expected to just deal with it so…
So it's a form of payback? revenge?
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u/a_knightingale 1h ago
Why though? Enough people out there who don't give a fuck about ear hair anyways.
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u/Round_Square_3420 5h ago
It's not insecurity, it's disgust. We like what we like.
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5h ago
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u/thisgirlisA_ 5h ago
No one, absolutely no one is crying over a weak boy who wants a clean shaven woman
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u/DontF-zoneMeBro 6h ago
Why can’t he just idk…trim it? For many it’s part of the pre/post personal grooming routine —like clip ping errant nose hairs or shaving or plucking stray chin hairs. Whats the bfd?
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u/Wolfina77771 5h ago
Lol, you must be the guy she's talking about, cause who in their right mind ISN'T grossed out by ear hair?!?! Fucking disgusting, and by the sounds of how little he pays attention to his hygiene, I bet there's wax stuck all up in those hairs and his ears stink because of it. I ain't kissing a living infection🤢
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u/FuckYou0003 4h ago
Alright calm down. Yeah ear hairs are gross but you're just weird.
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u/Wolfina77771 4h ago
How is me being disgusted by unhygienic habits weird? You're weird not being clean😂
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u/FuckYou0003 4h ago
I already said they're gross. But you're acting like they're some infectious zombie disease. So yes, you're weird.
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u/Wolfina77771 3h ago
Lol, sure bud. You try having contamination ocd and then tell me they're not a living infectious zombie disease 🤣
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u/FuckYou0003 2h ago
I do have exactly that. But I'm an adult now so I don't openly freak out like I did when I was a child. Hopefully you'll get there eventually.
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u/Ok_Marionberry8779 4h ago
I love they frame gross ear hair as something OP must overcome to prove they’re not insecure
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u/Wolfina77771 4h ago
Lmao, right?! She's not insecure about him, she's grossed out by him
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u/Altruistic_Lake_9454 3h ago
I also think women get slammed for so much less and repeatedly. In real life and in the media. We aren't allowed to have any natural facial hair or body hair, we risk negative comments and bullying but all men have to do is shower/wear deodorant and everything else is "natural" for them.
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u/Wolfina77771 3h ago
THIS!! I hold men to same standards society holds women. Sexism needs to stop. Especially when biologically, women are more advanced. We all start out as a female embryo, but males digress and use all their energy in the womb to change genders and develop stronger muscles and shift the hormones to primarily testosterone. Women stay the same gender and start progressing on their gender, while the male would just now start switching and later start progressing on their gender. Like, how did we figure this out and still allow these adult-kids to rule us? When will women fight back harder? When will the good men actually stand up for us?
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u/whiterice2323
Asshole Aficionado [18]
5h ago
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VERY light YTA, simply because unsolicited comments about someone else's body are generally not great coming from a relative stranger (which I would consider 4 dates to still be, unless you were friends before). Also because if the genders were reversed, I think this would be universally (at least on reddit) seen as insulting and "wow men shouldn't comment on women's bodies like that!".
I'm a woman. I get it. Those things would put me off too, but at the same time I can't blame him for cutting communication after a "your personal grooming needs work, I'd like you to take care of it" from someone he's only known for 4 dates.
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u/seecarlytrip Partassipant [1] 4h ago
Agreed! Imagine he was like “you have hair growing above your upper lip and I’d like for you to take care of that.” Reddit would be coming for that man.
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u/unbelievabletekkers 4h ago
I do wonder what he might have noticed in OP and chosen to accept or not mention, and what the response would have been to the roles being reversed.
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u/theodosia_cavern
Partassipant [1]
5h ago
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YTA. Giving him chapstick on date three was already a subtle hint, but sending a text after date four listing his unsightly flaws like an inspector's checklist was way out of line. You've only known him for a few dates, you don't get to critique his body hair and skin condition via text and expect him to stick around.
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u/Ok_Marionberry8779 4h ago •
He’s a 45 year old man chapped lips is not a skin condition that’s outside of his ability to mitigate
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u/-myeyeshaveseenyou- 3h ago
I have facial eczema, when it’s bad no amount of anything heals my lips. I used to get infections in my lips at their worst that required medical intervention. Chapped lips are not always just because someone isn’t moisturising. I’m also allergic to several chapsticks.
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u/Temporary_Thing7517 Partassipant [4] 1h ago
My kid gets eczema on his lips, and while thick Vaseline helps some, it’s not always helpful and it makes his whole mouth greasy. Nothing else works.
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u/kimbosliceofcake 56m ago
I was dealing with pretty severe chapped lips a couple months ago and kept applying and reapplying a nice natural lip balm. Turns out I’m sensitive to bee ingredients and it was making it worse! Only unnatural for me from now on lol
Point being that sometimes people are actually trying, it’s not just neglect
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u/Salibabushka 2h ago
I'm sorry to hear that. Thank you for sharing it with us. As someone who has a brother with similar silkin condition I sympathise with you. All the best.
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u/Front_Target7908 3h ago edited 3h ago •
He might have Exfoliative cheilitis which unfortunately is very hard to manage and chap stick does nothing to mitigate. The skin hanging off his lips makes me think that he could have something like that exfoliative cheilitis unfortunately which makes your skin shed off your lips in sheets.
OP doesn’t have to kiss him of course but it might be that he genuinely couldn’t do much about it at that point in the cycle on his lips.
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u/Ok_Marionberry8779 3h ago
In that case I guess they'd just be a bad match and move on. Which is what happened anyway.
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u/Front_Target7908 3h ago
Yeah, exactly - why I said she doesn’t have to continue kissing someone she doesn’t want to. It’s understandable if she’s not into it.
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u/Salibabushka 2h ago
Hope you expanded your horizons a little bit (doubt it) and be less judgemental the next time?
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u/khold002 Partassipant [1] 6h ago
NTA, but if someone talked to me like this on date 4, I’d ghost.
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u/No-Association7374 6h ago
Well what would've been the best timing for your date to give you that kind of feedback?
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u/No-Wear-9042 5h ago
It's less about the timing and more about talking "like this". " he has some personal grooming to take care of".
Other posts already offered more positive ways to convey your opinion.
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u/Ok_Marionberry8779 4h ago
Why would she change anything she did / said? She expressed concern about something that would interfere with their relationship and he decided he would rather not talk to her than do something as simple as making his lips kissable.
He’s a 45 year old man why is anyone complaining about tone
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u/No-Wear-9042 4h ago
She also decided she would rather say "groom yourself" than "Oh, your lips are chapped, have you tried using a lip balm?".
She's a 37 years old woman, why are you not concerned about her not being polite?
She is NTA (and him neither), but it is likely that her way of speaking killed a relationship that she said was very enjoyable. Sorry for trying to explain that to her.
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u/Ok_Marionberry8779 4h ago
She gave him chapstick on date #3 and he didn’t take the hint. If the guy is willing to ghost her over reasonable grooming requests then she didn’t ruin anything valuable
Quite frankly the double standard of expectations for her and him in this thread is crazy. Dude can’t be bothered to groom himself for date #4 and she’s somehow the one who has to say something but also say it nicely.
If a dude with an over grown beard is asked to trim it so a woman can kiss him, is that as heinous in your mind?
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u/jogoncio 4h ago
Telling someone to shave some hair of their body when you've been on a few dates is entering asshole territory. Imagine him telling you to shave your armpits or anything similar. Not a terrible sin but YTA.
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u/Ok_Marionberry8779 4h ago
I would be curious to see how many YTA commenters would also consider hairy pits / legs on a woman to be a dealbreaker
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u/Wolfina77771 2h ago
I mean, he would have a valid point. Hair in areas that make and collect the most sweat and oils stink more the longer the hair is. Hairs soak up oils and sweat, they use hair to soak up oil spills in the ocean because of how absorbent it is. And worse, it's hair where a sticky, smelly wax full of proteins that bacteria loves to eat is produced, that's even nastier.
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u/-myeyeshaveseenyou- 3h ago
I have eczema and when it’s bad on my face no amount of chapstick will help my lips, in fact I’m allergic to some of them. I’d be pretty mortified if a date ever pointed out something that is already both painful and embarrassing to me.
As for pointing out his hair, how would you feel if a man told you you needed to groom done body hair
YTA
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u/StardustOasis 2h ago
I'm the same. My lips are dry at the moment, because it's getting colder, but no matter what I use they'll be dry again within an hour or so.
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u/No-Finish-6557 Partassipant [2] 6h ago
NTA it’s good he knows now that his poor hygiene is putting people off
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u/42069qwertz42069 4h ago
Calling chapped lips and ear hair „poor hygiene“ is a stretch….
What has one of the things to do with how hygienic someone is?
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u/youvelookedbetter 31m ago
Chapped lips 100% does.
Mine bleed sometimes unless I take care of them. And having dead skin all over the place isn't hygienic.
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u/ChipRockets 4h ago
It's amazing how many people here are fine with commenting on another person's body hair, just because it was a man.
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u/StardustOasis 3h ago
Even going as far as to call him unhygienic. It's a vile attitude to have.
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u/Wolfina77771 3h ago •
... and finally, it is unhygienic to not trim nose or ear hairs because they're there to collect debris going in and coming out, if dude doesn't know his ear hairs are overgrown, I doubt he cleans them correctly.
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u/StardustOasis 2h ago
No, it isn't. You said it yourself, they have a purpose,.it's akin to telling someone to shave off all their eyelashes. You're making a huge assumption about someone you've never met. It's perfectly easy to be completely clean without shaving off all your hair.
Like I said, vile.
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u/Wolfina77771 2h ago
Lol, I said trim, not be hair free. But okay, have fun finding someone who doesn't care about your ear hairs sticking out your ear 😂
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u/ScepticalBee 1m ago
Would you ever tell a woman that you started dating to trim and tidy up her eyebrows?
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u/dirtylilscot 3h ago
Ear hair is supposedly basic grooming but body hair on a woman is just natural. This thread is ridiculous.
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u/Wolfina77771 3h ago edited 3h ago •
First of all, it's not JUST cause it's a man, it because the post is about a man, if it was about a woman, most comments would stay the same, just less people would say it cause a lot of people find talking about women is controversial, mostly because we already have strict standards. I would highly doubt a woman can walk out with overgrown ear hairs and not get a comment about it, and from STRANGERS. It's very sexist to believe this is okay, no woman is allowed to do this, so why can a man do it?
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u/ChipRockets 2h ago
Ok bro. Go post ‘AITAH I told my date to get rid of her mustache hair on our first date’ and see what kind of responses you get.
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u/Wolfina77771 2h ago
Lol, it wasn't the first date for her, it was the 4th. And most women shave theirs off before it's ever noticeable, because of the overwhelming amount of comments they've gotten on it before. Why do you think women shaving peach fuzz was such a huge trend, they all already keep themselves well groomed. If a woman hasn't figured that out yet, she needs to be told, just like any man needs to be told about his overgrown ear and nose hairs
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u/cosmickittycar 5h ago
My ex thought it was unmanly to use chapstick. Instead he whined about the cracks in his lips and that I didn't like to kiss him.
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u/PancakePlants 3h ago
Omg that's so bad. I can't stand having dry lips! I wonder what other personal care things they are neglecting? And to complain about the cracked lips after is so wild. Like dude just use plain Vaseline - surely that's 'manly enough' for the ego 😂
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u/cosmickittycar 2h ago
I literally tried to give him a small cup of vaseline haha! But the light shimmer (the hydration) was too feminine. He definetly had some self esteem issues. Not my problem anymore.
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u/Kryzelen Partassipant [2] 5h ago
YTA not for wanting a partner who practices basic hygiene, but for how and when you delivered that feedback. Gifting a person a chapstick on date 3, followed by a text listing their body hair and skin flaws after date 4, feels like a performance review, not dating. You treated a 45year old man like a home improvement project before you even established a real relationship, which understandably killed his romantic interest.
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u/BrokenToys76 5h ago
NTA. At 50 I'd assume any woman who feels comfortable enough to tell me about some stray hairs or chapped lips, without being intentionally mean about it, genuinely cares . I'd apologize for being sloppy about it, feel embarrassed, correct it, and move on.
Might need to thank my cat for this, she's taught me well that grooming is love.
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u/VMR25 6h ago
Girrrl 😭 YTA for how you went about it. No one likes being told about their imperfections, especially their grooming! I work in a makeup store, believe me. It’s a sensitive conversation you should’ve had in person not in a text message. Also, people get confused on the tone in messages. He probably thinks you were being judgmental. On date four in the moment, I would’ve said something like “where is the lip balm I got you? Do you like it? Have you been using it?” 😅 That would’ve been a better opening than a text message. Imagine someone text you, “I wanna hold you again, but you need to lose 3 pounds.” 😭
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u/isaias_carter1031 4h ago
YTA for how you handled it. Giving someone lip balm as a gift after date 2, and then following up after date 4 with a text checklist of his personal grooming flaws (ear hair included) sounds like a performance review, not dating. If you found him that unappealing, you should have just told him you didn't feel a connection instead of trying to assign him homework.
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u/42069qwertz42069 4h ago
Nta for the lips yta for the ear hair.
Tbh, as i got older my body produces hair where you wouldnt think of it, but never in my life was an ear hair a problem for someone, even if i trim it with the same trimmer i take care of my nose hair, which also popped up as i got older.
You are mean and shallow, you shouldn‘t have bring up the ear hair thing, at least not how you did.
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u/bruf73 5h ago
i've never kissed a turtle before what's it like?
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u/Wolfina77771 5h ago
I have, it's actually a lot more pleasant than kissing dry lips. Quite smooth, kinda like leather but hard, cold, and a little more porous, not rough tho, unless you kiss the shedding layer on the shell. The head is the same but wet and colder or kinda scratchy similar to dry lips but more organized than just random shedding skin, also the "bumps" are closer together so there not actual scratching. Have you ever pet a comodo dragon, felt the grip of bugs that can stick to any surface, or touched dried up and crushed mud? Just imagine that but on your lips. I personally enjoy the water turtles more because they're the smooth ones. Land turtles are rougher, but their shells are smoother. I live in South East America btw
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u/LesDrama611 Partassipant [1] 6h ago
NTA maybe the timing is off but if he couldn't handle a little criticism that was easily fixable, then he doesn't deserve you. All well.
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u/Round_Finance_9384 2h ago
YTA. Not only it's very short time of knowing each other but also you giving him chapstick is ridiculous. It's understandable why people are not into chapped lips but did it cross your mind that perhaps he got some condition going on? I have eczema and even with tons of chapstick I still get cracked lips or other issues. As for ear hair I think it's a big stretch. The only time I really saw it being extremely visible was on people who are 80+ and only because it was very grey. Listing things like you're inspector or something is really not a good way , what if he did it to u?
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u/BrightFleece Partassipant [2] 6h ago
NTA. I mean basic grooming (clean teeth, washing, etc.) is the bare minimum for a date.
There are things people can't avoid: acne, eczema, maybe chronic dandruff, etc.; but dry lips? Easy fix.
And you were doing him a kindness by letting him know and expressing you wanted to fix it so you could kiss more comfortably
Then again I understand why he might've been mortified and not wanted to get back on with things
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u/Scottishtwat69 2h ago
Chapped lips is not always an easy fix. Allergies, vitamin/mineral deficiencies, medication side effects and skin conditions do exist. Although in those situations people can usually manage chapped lips for a date.
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u/Iplaythebaboon 6h ago
ESH but it’s so mild tbh. No one really wants to kiss someone with chapped lips so it’s kinda inconsiderate of him and you tried to be semi subtle, but that didn’t work. You were kinda already ripping the bandaid off with outright discussing his lips, but he probably felt piled onto with the ear hair comment even if it is true.
Did you watch love island this summer perchance?
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u/No-Association7374 6h ago
Nope, I've never watched love island. Why do you mention it?
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u/Iplaythebaboon 5h ago
There was a part where a contestant described kissing another as being like a turtle so I was wondering if you were referencing that lol
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u/No-Association7374 5h ago
Hahaha oh that's funny! No I had no idea, but umm maybe that contestant did have chapped lips.
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u/Ok_Marionberry8779 4h ago
NTA men who don’t learn this lesson in high school are suspect. It’s like grown men who still wear Axe body spray instead of showering.
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u/Sasspishus Partassipant [1] 6h ago
NTA nobody wants to be kissing old turtle lips and he clearly didn't take the hint when you gave him the chapstick. Sounds like he maybe doesn't care too much about his own hygiene/grooming so maybe youre not compatible, but somebody needed to tell him these things
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u/Electrical-Storm6410 2h ago
NTA, you were trying to be honest about something that was affecting your attraction to him. But giving him chapstick as a gift might have already made him feel a little embarrassed. Maybe he just wasn't comfortable with that kind of feedback.
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u/Apprehensive-Age1235 2h ago
I have super chapped lips unless I apply my lip balm every few hours, but I’m super lazy. The only thing that motivates me to apply religiously is the reminder that my girlfriend will say something when we kiss again haha. NTA at all, it’s just embarrassing when someone directly calls it out, even if we know that it’s true.
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u/schoolinlife99 48m ago
Stop 😂😂😂 do turtles have chapped lips? Thats the more curious part of this tale. Me being alerted to this fact.
One of the anecdotes my long married parents share in their “knowing they were the one” is that on one of their first outings my mom pointed out something in line with this to my dad” and he was like wow that’s a good woman.
For the right person this would be a welcome bit of info shared!
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u/lullli 24m ago
YTA. Chapped lips are not inherently a sign of bad hygiene. Cold weather, allergies, and skin conditions like neurodermatitis can cause persistent dry lips, regardless of how often someone applies chapstick or moisturizing creams.
Assuming he neglects his basic hygiene and isn't already actively trying to fix the issue is unfair and understandably offensive. In the future, talk to him in person and ask questions before jumping to negative assumptions about his habits.
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u/shroomignons Partassipant [1] 16m ago
YTA for the ear hair comment. But the chapped lips, depending on how you said it, was valid.
This is akin to bad breath. I'm not kissing someone with bad breath, even if it is caused by a medical issue. That's my line and I don't need to bend just because it's a medical issue. Chapped lips, just like bad breath, are gross. The comment would be valid from any gender to any gender. Sorry to the people with eczema and vitamin deficiencies, you are in they minority, so I'm going to go with the more likely scenario that this man doesn't know how to groom himself.
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u/AutoModerator 6h ago
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I (F, 37) went on 3 dates with a very nice guy (M, 45) that I was attracted by. On the 2nd date, we kissed & I was taken aback by how chapped his lips were. It felt like kissing a turtle, but the rest of the date was very enjoyable.
On date 3 I gifted him my favorite organic chapstick as a present. On date 4 he showed up again with very chapped lips, this time there was unsightly white skin hanging from his lips. He also had white hair growing out of his ears. After that, I sent him a message about how much I enjoyed his presence and our conversation and anyhow I'd like to kiss him again but that he has some personal grooming to take care of. I shared that his lips are chapped and that he has hair growing out of his ears, and that I'd like it if he can take care of it.
After that, he stopped talking to me. AITA for giving him honest feedback?
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u/bring-the-sunshine 5h ago
NAH If he were the right guy for you, he’d appreciate it. There’s someone out there who would be happy to receive that info when and how you communicated it.
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u/Both-Statistician179 6h ago •
Haha thank you from the women he will go on to date.